Me and my family buried m …
Me and my family buried my Grandma this morning… Her jokes just weren’t good enough
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“Mum, can I have a kit ka …
“Mum, can I have a kit kat?” “Yes, as long as i can have a finger.” “ewww.”
Continue ReadingSeeing some of these fema …
Seeing some of these female athletes in the Commonwealth Games reminds me of my Korean ex-girlfriend, Man Lee
Continue ReadingMan goes up to a woman in …
Man goes up to a woman in a bar Man: “Hi, I’d like you to temporarily relax your standards in exchange for money” Woman “What sort of woman do you think I am?” Man: “Sorry…that came out wrong. I meant ‘Can I buy you a drink?’”
Continue ReadingTo keep slim I jump queue …
To keep slim I jump queues. It reduces my wait.
Continue ReadingTime Travelers: Only 93 d …
Time Travelers: Only 93 days till last Christmas.
Continue ReadingI’m quite a hit with the …
I’m quite a hit with the chicks. I mostly get slaps but there’s also the odd kick every once in a while.
Continue ReadingIn the news: British scie …
In the news: British scientists have said, “By the end of 2050 we will be ten billion.” Does our country need so many scientists?
Continue ReadingMy doctor has just told m …
My doctor has just told me that I have male genitalia somewhere inside my body, I’m finding it hard to grasp.
Continue ReadingI was very surprised to f …
I was very surprised to find out this morning that my train was going to arrive on time for the first time in months, So I eased up on the speed & pulled into the station 20 minutes late.
Continue ReadingPeople used to rob petrol …
People used to rob petrol stations. Now petrol stations rob people.
Continue ReadingWhy did the woman miss th …
Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train? Because it went straight pasta.
Continue ReadingWhen I was younger, my pa …
When I was younger, my parents didn’t want me to get a tattoo. My mum said, “If you decide to get a tattoo, make sure you get it in a place that doesn’t matter” So I did, in Preston.
Continue ReadingIt’s scary that 50% of al …
It’s scary that 50% of all marriages are now ending in divorce. It’s even scarier that the other 50% of marriages last forever.
Continue ReadingTip for staying safe in t …
Tip for staying safe in the underground: All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly running with a briefcase, tripping up. Answer: Don’t carry a briefcase around.
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