Joke Portal

Joke Name

• Medical Samples
An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.

• Elderly Marriage and Medical Past
Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

• The Lawyer Keeps His Promise
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

• Matt Iseman: From Medicine to Comedy
I went to medical school here at Columbia. I got my M.D. I was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up -- and not just because of the lawsuits.

• Matt Iseman: Quitting the Medical Profession
I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine. Turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

• Jim Hamilton: Can't Have Children
I went to the doctor and I found out that I can't have children. The medical reason, as far as I understand it, is that when I ejaculate, there is rarely, if ever, a woman in the room.

• Richard Lewis: Harvard Rat Study
There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

• Marc Maron: Animal Testing
I just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm....

• The Amazing Health Computer
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

• The Businessman's Medical Problem
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.”...

• Headaches and Sex
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

• Medical Benefits
A lady shows up at her doctor's appointment. The doctor calls her name and says, "Will you please follow me?"

• Maria Bamford: Charity on Camera
Like most Americans, I like to help others while being televised. I'd like to go to an area of the world where they really need my help. Like, 'We're here in sub-Saharan Africa because people sometimes have to walk tens of hundreds of miles for...

• Greg Fitzsimmons: Medical Research
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't...

• Mitch Hedberg: Take a Physical
To do this show, I had to take a physical, and they asked me a lot of medical questions. And they were, like, yes and no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, 'Have you ever tried sugar -- or PCP?'

• Patton Oswalt: Shocking Medical Videos
They showed a show called, 'Fox's Most Shocking Medical Videos.' Did anybody see this show, 'Most Shocking Medical Videos'? OK, couple things -- number one: all medical videos are shocking. They're medical videos, for God's sake! There's no...

• Patton Oswalt: Not Medical Science Education
During the show, they kept trying to tell you, 'You're going to learn something about medical science. This is a very educational show.' No, this is all wet-ass-hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in...

• Dom Irrera: Friendly Medical Advice
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor -- like you didn't know it?

• Arj Barker: Smoker's Paradise
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad -- say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea -- it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise:...