At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...
I have just been for my first job interview.
I didn't get it - apparently making the "Hot Jokes Today" on Sickipedia doesn't make up for having no GCSEs.
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
A guy phones up his workplace on a Monday morning...
"Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're had off. Just how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my little sister at the moment if that's any help."
My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said,
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly," I replied.
Going around a council estate on a weekday morning dressed in a suit pretending to be a bailiff is a great way to get free blow-jobs.
There was an accident on the motorway today.
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.
Once you go black, you never go back.... to work.
My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"
"Yes, I think so," I replied.
"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."