What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep.
My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a 50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."
"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:
"Here, love, I'll change gear for you."
I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said, "Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side."
It made me cross.
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.
I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.
Into the road.