When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"

Submitted by: nila

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."
He said, "The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

Submitted by: nila

I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final.
It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.

Submitted by: nila

punctuation who needs it

Submitted by: nila

I was walking past my local Asda and I saw a sign on one of the doors saying, "Exit Only."
I pushed it, went in and walked up to customer services.
"You've seriously underestimated that door's use." I told them.

Submitted by: nila

hypocrisy |hipkris|
noun ( pl. -sies)
the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behaviour does not conform; e.g. forming a website by changing the 'w' in 'Wikipedia' to an 's' and adding a 'c', then complaining about duplication, plagiarism and copyright theft.

Submitted by: nila

I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish".
Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes.

Submitted by: nila

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No Mis"

Submitted by: nila

Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

Submitted by: nila

I saw this lovely three piece suite in DFS and it seemed quite a bargain.
Does anyone know when they have their sales?

Submitted by: nila

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