If my kid is screaming in the bedroom, but I'm in the pub does it make a noise?
Gerry McCann? It's good to see you've not let things affect your day to day activities!

Submitted by: nila

A thought. If I enter Stephen Hawking against his will, am I a rapist or a hacker?

Submitted by: nila

Why has no one invented bubble wrap where the bubbles are filled with helium so that your packages are lighter and thus cheaper to post?

Submitted by: nila

My mate was yapping on about how "logic can prove anything."
I said, "Nothing is better than eternal happiness, right?"
He agreed.
I said, "A ham sandwich is better than nothing, right?"
Once again, he nodded.
I said, "Therefore, logic dictates a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness, right?"
That shut him up.

Submitted by: nila

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,
"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body transplant'."
"That's an interesting concept," he replied, "But this is double murder either way and you're still under arrest."

Submitted by: nila

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Submitted by: nila

I applied for a job as a philosopher today.
They asked me "Why can you start?"

Submitted by: nila

Why is a building called a building when its already been built?

Submitted by: nila

In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.
Or is it just the one who claims to have one eye?

Submitted by: nila

I'm not into gyms, my philosophy, no pain....no pain.

Submitted by: nila

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