My tom tom says "Estimated Arrival Time." I hear "Time to Beat."
My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we're only 78% compatible.
I said, "Hang on. You've just paid 3.50 to be sent a random percentage, ...and you still think we are in any way compatible?"
When I say I laughed out loud, I really mean that I made a kinda loud outward breath through my nostrils, similar to a bull.
Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.
I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym.
What a waste of a workout that would have been!
I'd been with my girlfriend for around 3 years, when I finally popped the question.
Why are we still together?
My wife felt me because I'm dyslexic.
It was no good, the judge had made his mind up.
"Please, you don't understand. I have six children and a wife. I can't go back in there, it'll kill me," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," the judge replied, "but you have served your time and you are now a free man."
My wife said we needed to communicate more. I knew she was right...
...so I gave her my email address.
MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS. Attach a string of bananas behind your vehicle for that exciting Mario Kart look.