My tom tom says "Estimated Arrival Time." I hear "Time to Beat."

Submitted by: nila

My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we're only 78% compatible.
I said, "Hang on. You've just paid 3.50 to be sent a random percentage, ...and you still think we are in any way compatible?"

Submitted by: nila

When I say I laughed out loud, I really mean that I made a kinda loud outward breath through my nostrils, similar to a bull.

Submitted by: nila

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

Submitted by: nila

I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym.
What a waste of a workout that would have been!

Submitted by: nila

I'd been with my girlfriend for around 3 years, when I finally popped the question.
Why are we still together?

Submitted by: nila

My wife felt me because I'm dyslexic.

Submitted by: nila

It was no good, the judge had made his mind up.
"Please, you don't understand. I have six children and a wife. I can't go back in there, it'll kill me," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," the judge replied, "but you have served your time and you are now a free man."

Submitted by: nila

My wife said we needed to communicate more. I knew she was right...
...so I gave her my email address.

Submitted by: nila

MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS. Attach a string of bananas behind your vehicle for that exciting Mario Kart look.

Submitted by: nila

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