The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours.
So I've got a new girlfriend.
She invited me round to her place for dinner the other night.
We were in the kitchen, just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.
Apparently, fingering her paraplegic daughter was not the right move....
I'm so proud of my African pen friend.
He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate.
I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'
It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.
I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.
Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
I think my wife is going insane.
She said "Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?"
Next thing you know, she'll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins.
My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.
She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"
I said, "I am if you think about it."