My local magician can slow his heartbeat down until it stops.
But, to tell the truth, he only managed to pull it off once.
The Hogwarts episode of Cribs is the worst. Every room they went in, someone says, "This is where the magic happens."
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a settee and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.
Once at casualty, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children.
Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.
"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "are they alright?"
The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."
Two dragons go into a pub.
The first says, "It's hot in here isn't it?"
The other replies, "Shut your mouth."
BBC News: Walker, 68, found dead in Italy.
Walking and dead at the same time? Impressive. Your move David Blaine.
My Maths teacher told me two negatives make a positive.
So I told her she's fat and ugly.
In my act as a street magician, I line up women, blindfold them then rub their fannies menacingly before running off.
More the fool them for trusting David Cop a Feel.
I was fired from my job as a children's magician today...
Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.