Going to McDonald's for a salad?
That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins.
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate."
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"
NEWS FLASH: Unofficial reports that Pop is dead!
The world's thoughts are with Snap and Crackle at this tough time.
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
I don't think I could ever fist someone.
I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.
All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
Having just seen half the staff, I now understand why they call it Currys.
I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday.
I managed to swap three Oxo cubes for a jar of Bovril.
A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter.
He says, "I'll have a Twirl and a Boost, please."
The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, "Honey, you look fabulous today!"