It annoys me how farmers always have to put their gates in the muddiest part of the field.

Submitted by: nila

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Submitted by: nila

As a shepherd, I hear lots of jokes about sheep.
I used to tell them to my dog but he'd always herd them.

Submitted by: nila

How do farmers make crop circles?
With a protractor.

Submitted by: nila

Farming : Gardening for people with far too much land

Submitted by: nila

My uncle is a farmer, a few months ago he was harvesting his crops.He was driving his combine harvester through his field when he accidentally ran over a drunken scratter asleep on the floor. There was blood, sovereign rings, Kappa tracksuit and Burberry all over the place. It took him ages to sort the wheat from the chav.

Submitted by: nila

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
''Where's my tractor?''

Submitted by: nila

Im struggling to find the best way to get my baby goats clean and ready for the village fete tomorrow.
Does anyone know of any good internet sites where I can get tips on grooming kids?

Submitted by: nila

Statistically 1/2 people enjoy marriage.

Submitted by: nila

I think the farmer next door is on drugs but getting evidence is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Submitted by: nila

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