What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning.
She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though.
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm were too short to reach.
My daughter came around the other day.
So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back out again.
My wife and I really weren't expecting a baby, and then BAM...!
One smacks right into the windscreen.
I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16.
Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house,
something he'll grow up looking at.
Then when the appropriate time comes,
he will realize that the picture is actually of him,
Then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveller.
On the sofa with my wife last night:
Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion.
Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality?
Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up?
Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered?
Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...
Wife: Oh, alright, why then?
Me: You smell of onion.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
I got my son a stripper for his birthday.
My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.