I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.

Submitted by: nila

After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an eleven year old girl approached me and said "Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!" I was disgusted.
She should have said "My boyfriend and I are having a baby"

Submitted by: nila

Im glad that i dont have to go through Facebook to like these jokes...
Otherwise everyone would know how sick i am

Submitted by: nila

I pulled my balaclava on, pulled my collar up and left the house after a good look round to make sure no one could recognise me, I headed down the road with one thing on my mind, making sure no one saw me when I popped into Aldi for some milk.

Submitted by: nila

I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks.
''Who, Amber? I said.
''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling.
''We broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said.
''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room crying for days you big girl!''

Submitted by: nila

What do you call someone with no clue what irony is?
An american.....
Now go on, re-post that fatty!!

Submitted by: nila

I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up.
It would be nice to be able to piece together my twenties.

Submitted by: nila

I should be proud of my wife for being an elite athlete.
I just find it difficult to tell others I'm married to the scrum-half from Leeds Carnegie.

Submitted by: nila

My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo " remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she whent into labour.

Submitted by: nila

"How dare you break wind before my wife" said the host of a dinner party to his guest. "Oh I'm sorry" said the guest, "I didn't realise it was her turn".

Submitted by: nila

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