I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.
I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating.
In fourteen days I've lost exactly two weeks.
I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked.
"My wife's been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?" I asked.
"Well," he says "I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"
An American father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son replies, "Diet."
I've been doing really well on my diet recently, but the other day I ate a 50p coin. People keep saying to me "You look like you've put on half a pound..."
Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge
What does a diet and a black man have in common?
They don't work.
They're for people who are thick and tired of it.
Its probably not a good sign when you step on your Wii Fit board and it says,
1 Player at a time please
To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.