Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.
When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."
The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.
"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"
The doctor replies, "Six months."
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"
Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."
I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered that she died last year.
Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too.
My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.
My 10 year old son said, "Dad, I know something really funny! One skin, two skin, three skin ...foreskin! haha!"
I said, "Well done son, I'm proud of you. I know a better one though. One play, two play, three play ...you were adopted."
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase.
But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."
When I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn't realise.
But I did and I killed that one too.
If you can't beat them... then what's the point in having kids?
At the beach I saw four sandcastles that had been made by some children.
So I ran up and jumped on one of them.
Then I wrecked his sandcastle.