Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die.
I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.
Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to.
If you're struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month.
Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.
I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff.
I've just watched two hours of dying Africans.
I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50 yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me.
I did the obligatory look over my shoulder, look back at her, point at myself whilst mouthing 'me?' routine, sighed and headed towards her.
She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath.
"Hiya! Are you OK?! My name's Casa..."
I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly,
"When I was nine, I beat a puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbour's conservatory."
Then I walked away, but not before screaming "RARGHH!" at some nearby pigeons.
Despite the recession Comic Relief raised 57m.
I'd love to see Lenny Henry's face when my cheque for 55m bounces!
Well worth the 40 quid charge.
Dont spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. Theyll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence.