Just think - the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day.
But he will do this Friday, thanks to me -
I'm gonna go down there and tell him.
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Here's a bit of advice for you.
Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.
Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!
My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."
Little Jenny stands on a chair watching her mum her do the washing up.
"Mummy," Little Jenny asks, "Are your hands soft and gentle and smooth because you have them in soapy water?"
Her mother smiles and says, "No, sweetheart, it's because I'm only thirteen."
Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a 'time limit'.
Now remember children, ALWAYS use the Green Cross Code:
When you see a red man you must wait.
When you see a green man you may carefully cross the road.
When you see a black man you must run for your life. He's got a knife and he wants your pocket money.