I lit the candles, poured …
I lit the candles, poured some wine, and asked my girl, “Any chance you’re up for some mutual masturbation?” She replied, “Let’s duet.”
Continue ReadingI lit the candles, poured some wine, and asked my girl, “Any chance you’re up for some mutual masturbation?” She replied, “Let’s duet.”
Continue ReadingDid you hear about the Swiss kid who entered the Special Needs press up contest? Well he won it. Hans Down.
Continue ReadingMe and my mate were trying to convince two hot birds we weren’t builders but in the end the cracks were showing.
Continue ReadingI need to tell someone about my coconut touching fetish. But I’m feeling a little shy.
Continue ReadingI had a tough decision to make at the hairdresser’s the other day. I’m a huge Pulp Fiction fan and was umming and ahhing about whether to go for hair like John Travolta’s, or something more like Samuel L Jackson’s. The barber suggested I just go with the ‘fro.
Continue ReadingAfter spending hours looking through my drawers, I’ve finally found a pair of socks that don’t have holes in. Now that’s sorted, I’ve just got to find a way to get them on.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend recently auditioned to become an adult performer. When the police showed up, she had to act like she was an adult.
Continue ReadingI was battering a fish when I thought, “Surely this is animal cruelty”
Continue ReadingI always get the urge to tell fart jokes, but I never follow through with it.
Continue ReadingAfter falling overboard on a cruise ship, I awoke on an Island surrounded by mountains made of cake and rivers of custard. I think it was a dessert Island.
Continue ReadingI firebombed a funeral procession today. I love the smell of napalm in the mourning.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Man attacked outside Edinburgh’s Karma Nights club Apparently he had it coming.
Continue Reading“What’s done cannot be undone.” They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend fell into a vat of liquid nitrogen. I soon snapped her out of it.
Continue ReadingI used to get laughed at a lot at work until the other day, when I decided to invert the contents of the cafe. Oh how the tables have turned.
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