Walked past a bin yesterd …
Walked past a bin yesterday it said “blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow” It was talking rubbish
Continue ReadingWalked past a bin yesterday it said “blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow” It was talking rubbish
Continue ReadingWhenever the window cleaners come, I like to pretend they are intruders scaling the walls, and my house is under attack. Although pouring boiling tar over them from the balcony was possibly taking it too far
Continue ReadingMy mother-in-laws brand new wheelchair has far too many moving parts for my liking. Her heart & lungs for example.
Continue ReadingA woman would ask, “Does this bag match these shoes?” While a man would ask, “Does my left shoe match my right shoe?”
Continue ReadingParkour: Running away for show-offs
Continue ReadingI’ve just found out the best way to remember my wedding anniversary. Simply forget it ONCE!
Continue ReadingDoes anybody else become irrationally scared and reluctant to answer calls from a withheld number and then spend half of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted?
Continue ReadingMy granny told me what it used to be like at the seaside. “There was a laughing sailor machine. You put your money in and you didn’t win anything or get a refund, it just laughed at you. There’s nothing like that these days.” I said, “Yes there is – it’s called the lottery.”
Continue ReadingIt was no good, the judge had made his mind up. “Please, you don’t understand. I have six children and a wife. I can’t go back in there, it’ll kill me,” I pleaded. “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith,” the judge replied, “but you have served your time and you are now a free man.”
Continue ReadingThe NSPCC profile pic campaign – anyone else think it’s gonna backfire when 11 year olds realise it’s not actually Pikachu they’re agreed to meet through facebook?
Continue ReadingThree words every man dreads to hear from a women. There’s no bread.
Continue ReadingAfter months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend’s iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn’t high enough.
Continue ReadingI’ve just moved into a converted pig sty. It was a really nice place before I arrived.
Continue Readingepileptic fits. a great way of breaking awkward silences
Continue ReadingMy wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, When I hit her, she stops making noise.
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