| Joke Name |
• David Alan Grier: Falling in Love Sex
All we do is have sex: sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex -- until you're chafed, raw, swollen, bloody, scabby! And what do we do? We have more sex because we are in love. |
• Paul Mercurio: CD Player Sales Pitch
The salesman is using sex to sell me a CD player, giving me pressure about my love life. 'Mr. Mercurio, it's a five CD player carousel model. You load all five of your CDs into this baby -- you're with your woman, you're gonna make love -- you... |
• Wanda Sykes: Apologizing for Oral Sex
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man,... |
• Wanda Sykes: Two Women in Bed
That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it -- if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time?... |
• Lewis Black: Oral Olympic Sport
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal. |
• Greg Fitzsimmons: Discovering Likes and Dislikes
When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!' |
• Greg Proops: Smoking Ban
You're in a bar -- grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point? |
• Kevin Meaney: Phone Sex
I tried phone sex once. I did. I'll be honest with you -- I got my penis stuck in the nine. |
• Dave Attell: Cigarette After Bad Things Happen
After bad things happen, you need a cigarette, right? Like, let's say, I don't know, you kill a guy with a hammer -- you need a cigarette because sex and murder are the same. Because you say the same thing after both, don't you? 'Damn, I gotta get the hell out of here. What was I thinking?' |
• Dave Attell: Cigarette After Sex
Sometimes you need a cigarette, though, right? Like after sex -- you want a cigarette after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. |
• Dane Cook: Time Travel
Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!' |
• Greg Giraldo: Edible Underwear
Edible underwear? Even during sex, we can't stop eating. |
• Greg Giraldo: Valentine's From Grandma
I got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago. |
• Greg Giraldo: Commercials for STD Medications
You're sitting there with your kid -- you haven't even explained sex yet, now you've got to jump right to the genital herpes. |
• Darrell Hammond: Sex Solves Everything
Women can keep sex in perspective. Guys, on the other hand, think sex solves everything. A girl could come in, 'My head hurts, I have lower back pain, and my mom just died.' 'You know what you need? You need to speak to Big Olaf.' |
• Jim David: Explaining Gay Sex to Dad
My dad looks at me, and he says, 'So now, so now, what is it that the two of you do? What do you do?' And I said, 'Well, you know, Dad, all those things you really wish Mom would do, but she won't? That's what we do.' |
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