Joke Portal

Joke Name

• Steve White: Rap Violence
Rap music is violent, man. Rappers getting killed left and right: Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. What's going on, man? They're killing the best rappers. I got news for you -- Vanilla Ice is still alive. I got his beeper number. Come on, Ice Cube, let's form a lynch mob and get his ass!

• Mitch Hedberg: Neighbor's Knock
I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down... When he knocked on the wall, I would mess with his head. I'd say, 'Go around.'

• Pablo Francisco: Boy Bands Aren't R&B
It's not R&B music, you know? R&B music's always five black guys with no shirts.

• Zach Galifianakis: Specific Enthusiasm
When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!'

• Paul F. Tompkins: Don't Like Jazz
I don't like jazz music, and I don't like it on behalf of you, the common stupid person. Here's why -- hold on, you're pretty dumb -- here's why: because jazz is all about making the common man feel dumb. That's all it is. It's a bunch of guys all playing different songs at the same time. It's just a racket.

• Jake Johannsen: If Love Was Easy
If love was easy, there would be almost no music.

• Otis Lee Crenshaw: Real Country Music
Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel's by your side 'cause a woman's gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes.

• Dwayne Kennedy: Music With Your War
The United States used to know how to put on a war. You always used to get a little music with your war. You know, they had the dude on drums, dude on fife, you know what I mean? A little background music while you're getting shot.

• Daniel Tosh: Not Music Television
The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't...

• Wayne Federman: KISS in Concert
As the concert unfolds, I realize this isn't really a concert, this is more of a magic show; that everything they do -- the pyrotechnics, the smoke, the costumes -- is designed to distract you from their set list. 'Cause your music is so marginal,...

• Jimmy Dore: More to Life Than Sex
She would go, 'All they do is talk about sex in your music -- sex, sex sex. There's a lot more to life than sex, Jimmy. Some day you're gonna find that out.' Mom, you had 12 kids, maybe you're not the person to talk.

• Mike Birbiglia: E at the Club
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'

• Jeff Cesario: Latin Women and Music
Latin women will start moving 30 seconds before there's music. It's like a cat before an earthquake, man -- 'Hang on, there's music coming, I know there is, waiting a second -- there it is!'

• Vic Henley: What Everybody Up North Thinks
Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps,...

• Ted Alexandro: The Recorder
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.

• Nick Swardson: Closed Casket
The other thing I'm going to do at my funeral is I'm going to have a closed casket, like, at the church. And it's going to be closed so people will think that my body will be in there -- but it won't be. My body will come down on wires. It'll just...

• Bill Santiago: Thank You, Ricky Martin
We've gone far ever since Ricky Martin. Thank you, Ricky. Who would have thought all you had to do to make Latin music so popular is just take out all the Latin music.

• Kyle Grooms: Thugging With Glasses
You can't be gangster with astigmatism. And I love grimy music, but I can't be a thug. What am I gonna do -- rob bookstores?

• Drew Fraser: Getting Old
This is how you know you're really getting old. If go to a nightclub and you start complaining about everything in the club: 'G**damn, the music is loud as hell in here. Why is the music so loud? Who's deejaying -- Funkmaster Deaf?'