| Joke Name |
• Gilbert Gottfried: O.J. Simpson's Kids
I'm really glad that O.J. Simpson has custody of the kids. I think O.J. will make a great father. See, the average parent says, 'Do your homework'; the kid are like, 'Yeah, I'll do it after I get through watching TV.' O.J. says do your homework,... |
• Jackie Kashian: Dungeons & Dragons Master Name
There's a guy I went to college with who legally changed his name to his Dungeons & Dragons' dude master name... He went down to the county courthouse and legally changed his name to Quest Akita. Quest Akita -- what Chad doesn't realize is if you... |
• Paul F. Tompkins: Migrant Farm-Worker Fantasy Camp
Let's say you did some migrant working in college, right? And you thought you were pretty good, you could have turned pro, but then, I don't know, you broke your leg or whatever. This is your chance to work alongside the greats of migrant... |
• Tom Cotter: College Years
I had a 3.0 -- that was my blood alcohol level. |
• Tom Cotter: Going to Columbia
I went to Columbia, and I worked for a drug cartel. Then, I went to college. |
• Retta: When Friends Complain About Work
She's like, 'I'm the only one who does work around here. If it weren't for me, nothing would get done.' And I'm thinking to myself, 'Yeah, I'm so sure you and your associates degree from community college are what keeps Citibank moving like a well-oiled machine.' |
• Jimmy Dore: Finishing College First
You don't get a prize if you finish college first. You know what you get -- a job and a boss. You friggin' lose. |
• Demetri Martin: Strange Beast in College
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur. |
• Bob Oschack: On Renting Porn
I'm a 31-year-old, college-educated, married man in need of a sexual outlet 'cause my wife is out of town, or she's working late, or she's in the other room reading intently -- I don't care anymore. |
• Dan Naturman: Dad Gives the Talk
He sat me down, and he's like, 'OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.' I'm like, 'No, I know about condoms.' He's like, 'No -- anti-depressants.' |
• Brian Kiley: Psych Paper
I didn't do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo. |
• Chelsea Handler: Waiting for College
When I was a little girl, I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity,' and all these big dreams. Then, the third grade ended up being such a nutty year -- and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college 'cause I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere. |
• Leo Allen: The Laziest Moment in History
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I... |
• Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. |
• Chad Daniels: My Wife's Friends
Her friends are a**holes. They always try to belittle me because they all have PhD's and I didn't finish college. Like, one night, we're all out getting dinner, and this one guy's like, 'So, Chad, have you ever had Indian food?' I was like, 'Hello? Thanksgiving.' |
• Tommy Johnagin: The Hardest Thing at Community College
The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of |
• Laura House: Strict Mom
My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.' |
• Tom Cotter: Call It What It Is
We don't call anything what it is anymore. In college, I was a partier. All my friends used to say, 'Cotter, you're a partier.' Now, I'm a problem drinker. When did that happen? |
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