| Joke Name |
• Greg Proops: Animal Functions
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well. |
• Eddie Brill: Animal Similes
Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he's strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an elephant, can... |
• Demetri Martin: Pinata
I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. |
• Greg Giraldo: Japanese Scientists
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla. |
• Paul Mercurio: Mirrors in the Wild
I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn't be so cocky. Think about it -- how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn't that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the... |
• Rocky LaPorte: Renaming "When Animals Attack"
You ever see that show, 'When Animals Attack'? They should call it, 'When Stupid People Get Bit.' |
• Harland Williams: Coyotes
Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head. |
• Megan Mooney: Animal Abuser Niece
I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear. |
• Pat Dixon: Older Woman
I was with a lady once, much older than me. She still had a great body, great breasts -- not large, but long. They were like ferrets, actually. They were long with little whiskers on the end. She took off her shirt -- I didn't know whether to do foreplay or make balloon animals. |
• Arj Barker: Guess What, Cat?
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't. |
• Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said,... |
• Eddie Pence: Marking Territory
Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything. |
• Kurt Metzger: The Only Animals in All of Nature
You know, human beings are the only animal in all of nature that sometimes shoves other animals up their ass. |
• Lisa DeLarios: Stuffed Animals
If I were eight years old, that would be my ultimate fantasy -- to have my very own paralyzed dog. 'Cause, you know, your stuffed animals -- they're cute and fluffy, but they're not alive. |
• Wendy Spero: Responsibility for the Family
Growing up was rough. Most of the responsibility of taking care of my ever-growing family was put on me. I was in over my head -- Joyce would not leave my side; Carl had eye problems; Betsy lost a leg. Finally, I was like, 'I cannot raise any more... |
• Alex Ortiz: White Folks on TV
White folks is my favorite thing on TV 'cause if you wanna see blacks or Latinos on TV, all you gotta do is turn on 'COPS.' White folks got your own TV show, though; it's called 'When Animals Attack.' |
• Jimmie Roulette: Dumb Animals
If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens -- all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves. |
• Richard Jeni: Lobster Tank
They're one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks -- no cow tank. |
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